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How Grandma and Grandpa got married

Back in Vietnam, Grandma's family had a store at their house. They sold mostly fruits and little convenient store items. Grandpa's family lived next door and they sold pig meat and fixed watches. Grandma, who was 15-16 at the time, had to help at the shop every day. And every day, grandpa would come in to buy the cheapest thing, which was a pack of cigarettes. After a long time of him just coming and going, Grandma's mom goes to Grandma and asks her "so what do you think about the boy next door?" Grandma goes, "what about him". She didnt really care LOL. Gma's mom goes "do you want to marry him?" (keep in mind that if a girl hits 20 years old, shes considered not-marriage material) SO grandma goes " I guess." LOL. THEN gma's momma goes next door and they arranged a marriage between our grandparents.
There was a whole proposal. Back then, proposals are the guy's family brings lots of food and money to the girl's family to take the girl home. SO grandpa's family brings over a ring, $1000, like 10 chickens, a pig, fish, beef, tons of shit. BUT grandma's girlfriends are like "are you sure you wanna marry him? His mom is crazy mean, his dad has a gambling problem, even he has a gambling problem" and grandma goes, "ohshiturighturight" SO she REJECTS the proposal. But when she rejects it, grandpa's older sister LOSES HER SHIT. She goes to Grandma's family and goes "IF SHE DOESN'T MARRY HIM, THEN U GUYS PAY BACK DOUBLE OF ALL THE PROPOSAL GIFTS WE GAVE YOU!!" At this point gma's family is like "HOLYSHIT WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET DOUBLE OF EVERYTHING?! WE DONT HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!" (because grandpa's family were richer than they were) That night grandma got on a bus and ran away to Saigon. That was a 10 hour bus ride. and when she got there, she ran into a Uncle Brian's Dad, and he goes "what are you doing here?! you dont know these parts youre gonna get lost!" and she tells him shes running because she doesnt want to marry grandpa. and he asks her why not all of a sudden. and she goes "my friends said that his mom is really mean and his family has a gambling problem." and he goes "WHO DOESNT HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM HERE?!" and shes like, "yeaurighturight" so she got on the next bus home so she could avoid the Uncle Brian's daddy LOL. SO she gets home and she goes find grandpa and shes like, "Why is ur family asking for all that money when you didnt even ask me to marry you. You asked my mom. so how do you know I am saying no for sure?" and he "idunno." and then she asks him "Why should I marry you? You smoke too." and he goes "no i dont" and she says, "What? but you buy cigarettes almost every day!" and he says "I only get them because its my only excuse to go in there to see you." and she goes "LOL WHAT?! URE RIDICULOUS!"

and thats how our grandparents got married. LOL He also took her on dates. to the movies and dinner after too.
When I bought my tickets to Chicago, the first thing that came into my head was 'I'm going to win him back. I'm going to tell him I love him and I am going to make him happy.' We have already been through a lot together within the 11 years that we've known each other, so what was 8 more months going to do? It did a lot. As the days came closer, he told me that he wanted to be friends, just normal friends. And he kept telling me he didn't want to go out. I understood then that there really was never going to be a him and i ever again. I was dreading the days as it came closer to when I had to get on the plane and fly half way across the country, to see the guy who made my heart go through so much. But when I got here, he wouldn't see me. He didn't want to make the time to see me. He wasn't thrilled that I was there. And when he finally did see me, I was really excited. But he seemed like he just wanted to get this out of the way and then leave. Which was exactly what he did. We did it. All those nights of calling for each other, all those messages of yearning to be together, and all those kinky pictures we sent each other, it happened. We had sex. And I didn't know how to feel after. Because he did the same thing all the other guys had done to me. We did and we parted ways. Just like the guys who only wanted me for sex. He did the exact same thing. After he had dropped me back home, I was alone again. I thought I was okay. In the back of my mind, I had always known that all he wanted was just that. And he proved it right. I had expected it. I had expected that once we did it, he wasn't going to be part of my life anymore. And it came true. The day after it happened. I stayed home. I didn't want to go out. I didn't feel like exploring what was around me. I didn't feel anything. And the day after that, I didn't do anything either. I stayed home. It wasn't until I was skyping with Angela when I realized how much it was really hurting. I was tearing up just telling her what I had done, and how I thought I felt nothing. And then Emily came. She was at Angela's house. And the second she asked me if I was okay, I broke down. I didn't think it hurt so much until I started telling her everything. How I knew that if I didn't have Khanh to talk to every night here, I would really be alone. I would have traveled all these miles to be by myself. I was sobbing as I told her that he didn't want to see me. He wouldn't even put out any effort to be with me. I am closer than ever, and all he says to me is he's busy. I felt every piece of my heart breaking with her. I felt all the times I had hoped that when I was here, he'd be here. He'd be here to hold me. He'd be here to show me he loved me too. But I was wrong. I was naive. I was stupid. I should have never had done all this for a boy. That night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in 2 and a half months. My first week of being in Chicago, I didn't want to be outside. I cried the whole week. Everything felt painful to do. The only reason I went out was because Angela, Emily, and Khanh forced me to go out and do something. The first day I was actually in the city, I just went to go get boba on State and Jackson. I had my headphones on blast because I just didn't want to hear the world around me. I kept walking and found myself on a giant bridge in a park. I kept walking from there and found myself at the Buckingham Fountain. I kept walking from there and I found myself at the edge of a lake. And at that moment, I wanted to keep walking. Right into the water. But I didn't. Instead I sat down with one leg dangling over the water, and the other on the concrete floor. I watched the most beautiful city sunsets there. It was lovely, but it was also painful. I'm starting to go out more now. Because I know everyone at home is worried about me. Even Eric messaged me to make sure I was okay. When I told him about everything, he didn't judge me, he didn't yell at me. He asked a bunch of questions about my well being. And every day after that he would message me to check up on me. The same with Levi, Brian, Val, Kikki, and Nicole. And I couldn't be more thankful to have Angela and Emily who message me every day to make sure I wasn't crying. But I don't think I would be okay without Khanh. The one who watched me fall asleep in tears, and watched me wake up in tears. I am so happy to have him around to check up on me every hour of the day and to update him on what I'm doing. I stopped crying these days. and I feel a lot better now. It was my own mistake for coming all this way for someone who clearly didn't love me. I don't regret this trip at all though. In fact, I am very glad it happened. Everything happens for a reason. I'm making new memories here, but I am counting down to the day I go home and to be in arms of my loved ones at home.
This trip is nonetheless, nothing like I'd imagine, but everything I'd expect.

3 Days

who am i anymore lol
never have i ever thought i would do things like this
i love it but i hate it
but i want it so bad.
Who knew the last 3 days would make me realize how much I've changed.
I kept saying I changed but nothing ever confirmed it until now.

Can't stay away
theres something about it.

Take me away

All because I've been home last week, studying my ass off for finals, and she decides she wants to yell at me saying I don't care about the family and never contribute to the household. After my stats final, which was on Monday,  I just wanted to relax. The freaken stats class took the life out of me. So I went out with Hevin, Sam, Nicole, and Jeff. We were at Sam's place til 3am. And I get a text telling me to not come home because I'm useless and all that crap. I went home at 4, found out she locked me out. So I've been staying at emily's place the last few nights. And she gets mad at me for not going home. Wtf, you're the one who locked my room door knowing YOU dont have the key. I have my key, but you're the one who didn't want me there ALL BECAUSE I HAD FUCKING FINALS TO STUDY FOR AND U WANTED SOMEONE TO CLEAN ELLEN'S DISHES. I'm not gonna fucking beg to go home. I honestly don't give a fuck. She thinks I'm gonna turn out like auntie Natalie and aunt tho and not see her in the future.  So her idea of preventing it ia by telling me to gtfo and then bitch at me for not going home. I swear she does this every time I have tests coming up. Cant take it anymore.
I've talked to Sam, and since I'm going to be working with him starting September, we decided to get a place together, too. I feel happy about it. I know it's not gonna be easy moving out and paying for more shit, but I can't handle this woman. I love her and I know she just wants the best for me, but I just want to live Dammit.
I'm excited I'm gonna be living with Sam and Hevin c: its weird, but I just clicked so well with sam so I'm totally comfortable around him.  And hevin, is hevin. LOL I just don't wanna see his boyfriend. Ugh.


ohmygod diets are hard, but this one has to be the hardest one. i can deal with no carbs, but this is so strict i always want to cry.
I went to universal yesterday and i knew i couldnt cheat so i didnt. i just watched ellen, sophia, and david hork down fried chicken, a krusty burger, jackinthebox, homer's donut, rootbeer ice cream, and pink's hotdog. Almost cried kuz all i had was a nasty ass protein shake. LOL I guess i feel happy that i dont cheat. I just tell myself that if i cheat, then i would be a pretty pathetic person. Someone who has no will power or self control. and i refuse to be that D: anymore. LOL
I miss normal people food so much though. but i can always have it next time. its not like food is just going to disappear.
I went to the mall today with emily and usually she always tells me to try on these long dresses and im like no. im short. it dont work like that. LOL but she forced me to do it today. and to my surprise, it actually looked great :D what made me feel even better was, we grabbed a medium but turns out, i needed the small. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAA. just for that one kuz it was stretchy LOLOL but still. who would have thought that i would everrrrrr fit into a small. hurpderp. made me super happy.
I reallyyyyyyyyyy let myself go while dating jim. and i finally pushed myself to lose some weight. I know that this diet is only temporary and it isnt going to make me super skinny, but i just want to be a normal size. ill always be a curvy girl, and im okay with that. I mean, i wish i could be as skinny as val or kikki, BUT im not LOL thats life. at least im not 200lbs.
Even though im not the skinniest, i know im not the ugliest LOL. i also know im not the prettiest girl either. im an okay girl. LOL i have my moments where i love myself, and moments where i hate myself. Im trying to love my body more. its kinda working since i started working out. i definitely feel better C:
TWO MORE WEEKS AND ILL BE OFF THIS STUPID 500 CALORIE DIET! i look forward. to my chickfila salads again<3 imisssoybeans</3

This stress is no joke

This week seems to be a roller coaster. Simon, Angela, and Val going through heartbreaks, Andrea, Kikki and Emily's love life are just getting better by the day, and then theres me. i cant wait for the next month and a half to be over so i can just forget everything. I'm so tired every day and its so frustrating that I dont understand statistics at all. Even Brian got super frustrated tutoring me. He was like "WTF HOW DO U NOT GET THIS?!" and i was just sad so i put my head on his shoulder so he would stop getting angry at me x___x.
On top of that, work is just hell. I hate the long drive, i hate the traffic, i hate the boss, i hate my coworkers, i hate everything about it. Luckily, I talked to Sam and Hevin and they said that in September i could work at their place. Which makes me really happy because i really love being with those two.
I really want to type so much right now but my mind is just blank. Every day there is always something that gets to me and a part of me just wants to lie down and die already.
Seriously, right now the only thing keeping my sanity together is Emily and my boyfriend games LOL. i feel so stressed out every day, but i know i can message emily any time of the day and i can play my games to just forget everything. I really think Emily is the only one who understands how Im feeling these days, and i love her for just being with me and talking to me. i love how i can go to her house whenever, lay on her bed, and just stay there for the whole day. this is gonna sound pretty gay, but i love it when she lays next to me. Like, shes on her phone, I'm on mine, or shes on her ipad and im on my ipod and we would just read our games while sharing the same pillow LOL. okay yea it sounds hella gay. but i love it. i feel close to her, and comfortable. I love how she knows that my world is currently just falling apart and she doesnt pity me and leaves, she stays with me and talks about anything. ANYTHING. LOL. or sometimes, its just silence. but i like it. Yesturday when I was playing with Olive, it made me so happy. I think the only time i am genuinely happy is when Im with Olive. When she was falling asleep at the restaurant and i while i carried her to the car, she wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, my heart was in heaven. She is most definitely my number one joy. I dont think i have ever loved anyone as much as i love olive. You're the best for bringing her into this world Em C: And Thanks for being there for me too. I know these days i've been running to you a lot because im about to break, but im so grateful that u hold me together every time. I know youre going through a lot too and im here for you too. I LOVE YOU BABYGIRL<3 I wouldnt know what i would do without you.
please dont leave me senpai.

The next few months are going to be hell, but i know i have you so i will be okay..... eventually.

My Black Soul

I'm growing up! I don't need to be needed!
After the last few months, I realized (with Em's help) that my soul has become dark and cold LOL. I'm at the stage she was at before. We totally switched. She is now in the sweet lovey stage with the boy she is dating, and im at the point where i hate men. LOL I am seriously starting to believe that Jason likes me. and its scaring me. so much. Not because i dont like him as a person, but because i seriously do NOT want anything but to fuck around. I know I've gotten attached easily to boys who show interest in me, but for some reason, I can't seem to even want to give jason a try. or anyone.
The other night, I called Nathan to ask if he wanted to be friends with benefits. And he thought I was confessing to him, so it got REALLY awkward LOL. But he said no to the FWB thing. I dont know what came over me, but I had to ask because i think he thought i liked him. Needed to clear that up. LOL. just wanna fuck around. When i told Christella i asked him, she told me that Nathan isnt into FWB. hes too emotional for that LOL. If i get attached to boys easily, then Nathan gets attached to girls HELLA fast. Eh, it didnt hurt that he said no. Frankly, I didnt care. LOL
Lately, I've been showing my dirty pictures to Andrea and Emily. like a LOT of the old ones i took and also some new ones LOL. We even have a new chat just for all our dirty pictures that we share with each other HEHE. i snapchatted a picture of my panties to Andrea. and she snapchatted me back saying she was going to show Matt. SO. MATT. when i was in Oregon around the end of feb, I met matt. He is one of Andrea's house mates. Tall white guy, really funny, and kinda cute. I had a wet dream with him as the main character when i was there and I was so shocked I told andrea right when i woke up LOL. It was so awkward for me to see him after that. Even though he didnt know about the dream, i kept getting really shy near him LOL. back to the story, SO i took a picture of me in my bra and sent it to Andrea and told her "IDGAF ANDREA." LOL and she got really excited and was like, i really will show him, and ill tell him about ur dream. So I said okay. LOL AND SHE ACTUALLY DID. She pulled him aside, and showed him not only my bra picture, but my underboob picture too LOL and then told him about the dream i had of him. She told me he said thank you?? and he was blushing. then he was like, awkwardly laughing and said he doesnt think he will be able to look at me with a straight face when I go there in the summer to visit her. I wanted to know if he liked the pictures. And Andrea said, he said yes. And I said, can i fuck him? LOL and Andrea said. HE SAID YES. TO BOTH. LOL LOOKS LIKE IM HAVING FUN IN OREGON LOL.
After that she was like, you can't fuck him. ure gonna get attached. But i disagree. LOL After all the bullshit i've been through the last couple months, i am DONE. SO DONE. with relationships, with wanting to be wanted, with any sort of crushes. I sound like i've turned into a complete whore LOL but, I will only fuck the people I am attracted to. Who knows, maybe i wont have sex with Matt, maybe I will. It's my turn to not give a fuck anymore.

I need to be blessed by kamisama

Only 3 months in and its already a really bad year... for my car. I got my first ticket this year. and i just got into my first car accident. D: i told em and kikki that i think im going to die this year... in my car. LOL its a sign. all these bad things happening to me. kikki told me no and stop kuz she doesnt like it when people say that, i dont either but shit i cant shake the feeling. Em and I are going to the temple kuz i think i need it LOL

I noticed these days, ive been feeling really needy. like i NEED em to talk to me and i feel jealous when she hangs out with her boyfriend and not me LOL. not because i want a boyfriend, but because our schedule's changed so much that i dont get to spend a lot of time with her anymore. so i message her every day and she messages me too. funny how we can talk forever about anything.

i dont get why everyone keeps saying that a lot of boys like me. its not true because no one asked me out! LOL how do i believe it if i dont get asked out?! i mean im not desperate for a date, honestly i really just want to play around. This weekend in sanfran, when we went to the club kikki manages (YEA. MY COUSIN. WHO DOESNT DRINK. IS A MANAGER AT A CLUB.) and val and dale were bartenders, and will was security there. I went with Nathan, Jason, and Alvin. Oh man. when I was dancing on Nathan, ohmygod. every hormone in my body felt SO good. SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD. i enjoyed it. LOL but i dont get the same feeling with Jason. which is sad. kuz now im starting to believe he really does like me. but i hope he doesnt. When he screamed out "WHAT DOES NATHAN HAVE THAT I DONT HAVE?!" when he was drunk, i didnt know what to say. But i do now. I want to play around with Nathan, because he is the type who is DTF. Its not what he doesnt have. its what he DOES have. a really good heart. hes so caring and hes so sweet, i could never just play around with him. he deserves so much better.
PLUS im not even 100% sure he does like me. so I'm going to say he doesnt LOL

Honestly, i dont even want to be asked out. LOL After Jim, i don't want to settle. Even though Jim really loved me, and never cheated on me, and did a lot for me.... he didn't have his shit together. I don't want a guy who doesnt have any self confidence, or who doesnt know what they want to do with themselves, or who cant make decisions without help. I decided i will NOT just settle. If a man cant love himself or take care of himself, then i dont want it. A significant other is suppose to be there to support you, not direct you.
He would be confident enough to take charge. He won't be scared of what other people think. He would make random flirty lines on me just to make me laugh. He would be able to make me laugh until I am in tears. He would know what he wants to do with his life. I want him to be able to look at himself and think he is doing a great job and going down the right path. MOST IMPORTANT: HE HAS TO GET ALONG WITH MY FAMILY. He would be able to joke around with them (because my family consist of a bunch of clowns). He would be brave. He would be hard working. HE TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY. He would be forgiving and understanding. AND. He would be loving.
I know there is no such thing as a perfect person. And every relationship has its ups and downs, and it needs commitment and a lot of dedication to make it work. Currently, I am not ready for another relationship. Maybe when the time is right, I'll let someone love me. hehe

I type all these things to look back on them. They really help me get through bad days. And i realized I shouldn't be on my period when I write these LOL. It just ended for me, so my hormones are low and my emotions are stable LOL

I feel so thankful to have so many close friends and family. they really do support me and remind me every day that i am loved. And when i tell them i love them, i really mean it. I have a lot of love to give LOL. The reason why I smile so much is so the people that I love will smile ,too. Yea, i laugh randomly and smile really big for no reason and i look crazy, but it makes them happy. And thats all I want. For them to be happy. ^^ <3

Sexting 101

SO. a lot has happened this week and i just want to rant about it.

my car - Me, Kikki, William.
ellen's car - Ellen, Sophia, Kendrick, Vivian
I drove the whole way. Kikki had shotgun and William had the whole back seat to himself. He was knocked out until we had to stop to pee. but he didnt get out the car. but we saw in&out and william had said he wanted some earlier. So we pull up to the drive thru, which had a hella long line, and kikki and i go,
Me - what does william want? a cheese burger? double double?
kikki - i have a feeling hes a fatass.
LOL and so we tried to wake william up
-no answer-
me - u want in&out?
william -rightaway- huuh what really? (he was still half asleep)
kikki - what do u want?
william - a 4 by 4 -knocks out again-
kikki and i looked at each other and cracked up LOL goddaym
while we were ordering, we asked william if he wanted fries
and he screamed out "COOKIE STYLE! and we're like wtf is cookie style?!
and kikki is like "u mean animal style.....?" LOL
after we handed him his burger while he was still laying down
william - omg i love you im so happy
me - ure welcome. C:
william - i love you so much
me - yes yes i love u too
william - ohgod i love you
me - dude kikki, i dont even know if hes saying it to me or the burger. LOL
he ate his burger and was like "dude ive got so much energy right now!"
literally 2 minutes later, he was passed out again. LOL hes so hilarious ^^
THE TRAFFIC GOING THERE WAS FUCKING HORRENDOUS. A 4 hour car ride turned into a 9 hour ride. i wanted to cry. almost lost my mind.
but it was because a truck had caught on fire on the two lane freeway. we passed by it and u could barley tell it was a truck anymore.

when we go to vegas, the purpose is to eat a buffet. and i was so ready. I WAS SO READY. SO.READY. but when we got the the buffet at Caesar's Palace, they had jacked up the price like crazy because it was a holiday weekend. so i thought, okay its all good at least we'll get to eat at bellagio's buffet before we leave. BUT GUESS WHAT. before we left, they were all "i dont want to go. im not feeling buffet." i wanted to flip them all. LOL. I LOST 8LBS FOR THIS SHIT. 8LBS GONE SO I CAN GO CRAZY AT THE BUFFET DAMMIT. but i didnt tell them. i told kikki and val afterwards when we got home because we were suppose to go to kbbq on the night we got home, BUT we went back to grandma's house kuz my mom and uncle kenny decided to cook after we told them not to. SO i was pissed and disappointed. again. we planned to go kbbq the next day. we went. we went to bulgogi house after i really wanted to go there. BUT we didnt order from the premium menu because it was 27bucks while they wanted to 20bucks one. LIKE. FUCK. I ONLY WANTED TO GO THERE BECAUSE OF THAT ONE NICE MEAT THEY HAD. WHY?!!?!??! i was really really really disappointed. i usually wouldnt make such a big fuss about where we eat, but after being disappointed 3 fucking days in a row, its extremely difficult to try to hold everything in. im okay now. i think they all felt bad because even kendrick was being nice to me. LOL. and im usually the one that isnt angry. so when i get angry, goddamn, ya'll need to run for cover. and they all asked if i was pmsing. no. i wasn't pmsing. i was disappointed. they kept getting my hopes up and then crushing it. who wouldnt be mad?! u go to vegas to gamble, eat, and sleep. if we arent gonna gamble, we better be eating like freaken kings. LOL
on our first night there, we went to eat chinese food. LOL and it was great. i found it on yelp LOL. it had really nice reviews so i gave it a shot. the second we pulled into the parking lot, it looked shady as fuck LOL. like, we though we were gonna get mugged any second. but then a review said to not judge the restaurant by it's exterior. so we went in, and ordered a shit load of food and it was GOOOOOD. even better was that it was just us cousins (and val) and we ordered all on our own~ and paid on our own LOL
Sleeping arrangements were hilarious. first night - william, vivian, and i slept on the bed. kikki slept on a long flat skinny couch cushion on the floor. ellen on her weird shaped air bed. sophia on a built bed made out of all the short couch cushions on the floor. kendrick on the long couch and val on the short sofa. second night bed - william, kikki, val. skinnyflatlong couch cushion was me. sophia slept in the same spot. kendrick slept on the same spot. vivian on the air bed, ellen on the floor.
WELL on our last night in vegas, in our nice ass suite, we decided to have our own little drinking party. we had went to the venetian to take pictures and it was so fun. i dont ever remember having THAT much fun in vegas just taking pictures. it was wonderful. by the time we got back to the hotel, it was like, 9? 10? well william knocked out right away after being on the phone with shirley the whole day. i wanted to wash my feet in the tub before we started drinking. i ended up turning on the jacuzzi and soaking my feet in there while drinking a beer. it was so freaken great. LOL within 10 minutes, everyone else was in the tub with me soaking their feet LOL. we bought cakes so we were eating it over the jacuzzi too HAHA. we were all scared that we were gonna drop it into the water. Vivian, kendrick, and val were taking shots in the jacuzzi. remember, heat and alcohol means get drunk faster LOL. i stuck to my jackdanielcoke<3 i took half a shot of their pinapple vodka and i almost puked so i didnt want to take anymore. kikki was really tired already. she doesnt drink so she just sat next to me and she looked so relaxed i swear we all thought she was high. LOL after 20 minutes, it got wayyy too hot and we were all getting dizzy so we got out the jacuzzi and sat on the couch. we were talking for a bit, then all of a sudden, val was like, "guys, give me a bag, i think im going to puke." and she did. she puked like the exorcist was trying to escape her soul. 3times. LOL. vivian was drunk. and so was kendrick. ellen was kinda tipsy. i told them i felt a little dizzy and a headache. and they were like "u only had 2 beers helen. u cant be drunk." assholes. they were both 5% per bottle. i honestly didnt even feel drunk. ellen got all butthurt because she said that i always let loose with other people, but she had never seen me drunk. (ohellen. the last few times i got fucked up drunk, i had sex in a car in front of my friend's house after her birthday party. then the time after that i woke up in my friend's bed while he slept practically naked and i touched his dingdong. i shouldnt be allowed to drink, but those 2 times were years apart, so i guess its a good thing? LOL) WELL. while everyone was drinking, sophia was putting on her pink wig with clip on pig tails. so while she was putting on the short hair part of the wig, i asked her if i could put the pigtails on. she clipped it on me and went to the bathroom. then she came back and was like "i need my pigtails now" she took them off me. but the second she did, i started crying. tears were streaming down my face.
ellen and vivian started freaking out and was like "OMG HELEN WHY ARE U CRYING?!"
Me - SHE TOOK THE PIGTAILS. -here is where i lost it and completely started breaking down crying-
-sophia clipped the pigtails back on but i was sobbing even harder-
- they were all cracking up at this point, but i was screaming crying at that point. sophia sat on the edge of the couch and looked at me while i was on the floor with my face turning red as a river ran down my cheeks-
ellen- ohmygod kikki please come calm down ur cousin
-kikki goes next to me and hugs me from the side, i started crying more again and screamed
kikki - FINE THEN LOL -goes back to the bed-
after like, 10 minutes, i finally calmed down. and then. i was really tired. i havent been an emotional drunk ever since the first time i drank. it was horrible. LOL wtf is wrong with me. they were just freaken pigtails and i was sobbing over them LOL i didnt want the rest of the family to know, but when i got home after everyone else, i opened the door. and the first time i saw was my mom sitting there staring at me....with the pink pigtails on. LOL i am honestly so embarrassed that this even happened. but at the same time, it was hilarious.

What do u want me to do? tell me in detail.
Up against the wall. The only touch are your lips against mine slowly tracing down my neck. One hand on my waist the other unzipping my little red dress. My hands running through your hair and grabbing you closer, wanting more. Nothing but our bare bodies up against each other moving towards the bed. Kisses still trailing all along my body back to my lips. Slowly moving in but not giving it everything to build the pleasure. Then you tie my hands to the bed from keeping me from moving. Teasing me here and there. Letting me squirm and moan for more. You finally untie me, letting me kiss your neck and down your body. Taking the tip and kissing&licking it til you ask for it. Sucking on it while slowly building up speed. Stopping before you reach your peak and you take me and flip me on my back. Taking control and pounding on me going faster and faster.

^ this is what i have learned this week. usually when i text dirty things, im very specific with my words and my wants. i think im going to try a new concept of role play. its so exciting, isnt it? C;

I want to try this with a certain someone, but i dont think i want to be his toy anymore. i want him to want me, for me. and not as a booty call. i think i crave his attention most of the time, thats why i always give in. he knows exactly what to say to get to me and i love it. but if he can do this so easily with me, im 100% sure he is doing it with other girls as well. when i 'sext' or say the dirtiest things to someone, i really want it from just him. not from any other guy. just him. but hes different. he just needs to have his fill and move on. when was the last time he actually cared about what i think or how i feel? when did he genuinely want to know about my day or about whatever is on my mind. why should i have to be so worried about hurting him when deep down i know that im the one who cries for him while he goes and hugs her. i know he never asked me to care about him, he told me no plenty of times, yet he still talks to me in that way telling me he yearns for me and only i make him feel that way. LESSON LEARNED. this week has been a painful wake up call. if he really did want me, then i should be his one and only. im probably not even the only bootycall he has, which is sad. i wanted to love him. i wanted to give him my heart. i wanted to shower him in kisses and tell him hes my everything. but what good will that do if i gave him my all and he gives me a cold shoulder. i wont be an asshole about it. i wont call him a jerk because i knew he didn't love me. i gave him parts of me because i wanted him to have me his way. its time for me to move on without him. he has her now, and probably others too. learning to love again is difficult to force, but its a feeling we cant hide. we might be afraid to let it happen, but ive learned to be wise about my fears and that is to face them. it hurts. it really does. my heart feels like ive stabbed myself too many times to count in the same spot. When the time comes, there will be someone who really loves me and i might push them away at first out of fear, but if its real then it will always come back.
thats the beautiful thing about love, its endless.

i take it back.

i told myself that i don't need to depend on a guy for my feelings. i was wrong.
though now, i depend on fictional men who can't hurt me LOL
and right now, Kurosaki Tasuku is the perfect man for me<3

the last time i hung out with jerry, he asked me if i had a favorite exboyfriend. and i didnt understand why he would ask that because who has a favorite ex?! and he explained to me it means its someone you miss when u get drunk or just feeling lonely. it made me smile because i knew my answer right away. for some reason, i can't stop thinking about this question. why do i have a favorite ex? theyre an ex for a reason. maybe because ive been feeling a bit more lonely than usual these days. thats why i can't stop thinking about it.

our vegas trip we planned to take for the last 10 years is finally happening. BUT jimmy and david cant make it. and im 99% sure that leon isnt gonna go either. which i dont really mind because everyone has their own shit to do. BUT. ellen said we're bringing the kids along too. whos going to pay for them, ellen?! u?! yea right. crazy. whats the point of going to vegas now. i dont even like clubbing. LOL i like dressing up in skimpy outfits and degrade myself to be called beautiful by drunk perverted men, but i dont like being touched by random drunk perverted men. scratch that. i dont like being called beautiful by drunk perverted men. that happened once and i almost shit myself kuz i was so scared. LOL.

Currently, my mind has been most worried about emily. shes going through so much right now. and she feels like the world is against her. i know shes feeling extra depressed because she makes really dark jokes and tries to play it off. but i know its her way of coping with her pain. and it hurts so much to see her like that. at times like this, i just want to hold her and make everything go away. people keep saying that em and i are like a lesbian couple. which i get because we do love each other a lot and act like an old married couple. but to me thats true friendship. people always say they are there for u, but it really doesnt mean anything unless both parties trust each other enough to be vulnerable around each other. for all the times shes been there for me, i want to do the same for her. if ure ever reading this, i hate u, u wench. just kidding. LOL. im here for u. and for olive. dont listen to what others say about you. they will always judge u no matter what ur decision, so fuck them. our family now is you, me, olive, and andrea. LPW all the way babe<3 ill come running the second u need me. please dont think ure a bother. because it makes me happy when u need me and it makes me happier when i could put the smile back on ur face C: love you